Saying hurtful things to someone you love may be difficult to forget by that loved one of yours. There are a number of things we should never say to our spouse.
In as much as we are free to express ourselves, feelings and be able to communicate how we feel when we are not well treated, sometimes how we say them matters too. Words are like broken eggs that cannot be taken back.
A lot of couples make the mistake of speaking words and think that the word “sorry” is an eraser that can erase the memory from the minds of whoever you spoke hurtful words to. For me, I believe in prevention, which is why every couple should check their words and how it affects their mate.
First, we need to understand our spouses. Sometimes they say words they don’t mean. They may say them in the heat of anger or intense situations. They may also use some strong language which they don’t even know the meaning of (yes you read correctly, it happens).
This is where understanding comes in but another hand, we should learn to check our use of words in order not to turn our significant half into dumpsites where we take out our frustrations and anger. They may not always be in the right frame of mind to digest every careless word spoken to them.
I remember in my early years of marriage, my most frequently used word was “I regret marrying you” and whenever I said those words I would see the face of my man drained. It happened a couple of times over until we had a dialogue and I saw what I was doing to him.
He found it difficult to relate to me, he felt he wasn’t doing enough, he began to feel like he made a mistake getting married to me.
Don’t forget that one of a man’s basic needs includes that he needs to know that he is winning with you. I failed my man in that aspect and it spilled into his work life, his self-esteem eroded, he began to keep things away from me because he didn’t want to hear that phrase again. This is just one of the many things you should never say to your partner that makes them feel bad.
I’ve come to realise that most times when couples get familiar over time, they play down on respect and feel they can do or say anything, yet forgetting the person you are relating with has feelings and emotions and can be hurt also.
Learning to speak less or not speak when angry will go a long way in checking how and what we say to our spouses when we are emotionally low or during disagreements. Hurtful words in marriage could leave a lasting impression and pain in the hearts of your spouse if not quickly dealt with.
There are a couple of hurtful words in a relationship you should never say to your spouse and we will be exploring a few of such words shortly.
10 Hurtful Things You Should Never Say To Your Spouse
1. I Do Everything All The Time
While this may be true that you may be the breadwinner of the home or even be saddled with the responsibility of housekeeping, don’t you think this sounds more accusing instead of passing the message you are trying to pass to your partner?
Why not ask for help if you need one or say it in a way where you can draw some empathy instead of sounding like your spouse is lazy or can’t do anything to assist.
Try praising your spouse and saying nice things to them, refer to previous acts of kindness they have shown in terms of assisting you and let them know how it made you feel instead of complaining or whining.
Replace your complaints or nagging with praises and you will see a change in your spouse. There are several other ways we use hurtful words in a relationship that could sabotage once loving couples. Keep reading.
2. You Hardly Ever Listen To Me
This is one phrase I was very quick to use in my early years of marriage. Whenever things don’t go the way I plan, I end up accusing my man of not being able to think for himself. I end up saying “you blew it again”, can’t you just do one thing right in your lifetime?
Being a perfectionist, I was difficult to please as I always wanted everything to go my way all the time. We are humans and make mistakes too, that’s why we are not perfect. Allow your spouse to make mistakes sometimes and don’t beat them up when they do.
At the dialogue table, I realised how bad it made my man feel. Whenever he wins at something we drink to it but when there’s a loss, he ends up keeping it away from me.
By the time I realised, we began counting several losses because he didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to get hurt in the process also. This is one of the things you should never say to your partner.
3. I’m Fine
This is one phrase a lot of us use with our spouses. When my man hears this phrase from me, to him it simply means he should probe further because the reverse is just the case. Most couples resort to the silent treatment which isn’t good at all.
Don’t leave your mate guessing about your feelings or what you did or didn’t do. Weak people use silent treatment to communicate their feelings, strong people resort to dialogue.
What category do you belong to? Let’s be open and speak out when we should and not turn our spouses into mind readers who should know everything happening to us. It’s not fair, this alone is a burden.
4. I Regret Marrying You
This is one phrase I used in the introduction explaining how my marriage used to feel like a battlefield anytime I used it. I could feel my man’s heart break. It made him feel like a failure and think low of himself.
Even when everything around you seems to want to make you feel like you made a mistake, take a deep breath, calm your nerves and try not to say anything as the words that may come out may be very hurtful words that you may never be able to take back. Saying this phrase could mean you are disappointed and have not lost every iota of respect you have for your spouse.
The consequences of this phrase would run deeper than saying sorry because your spouse would feel rejected and find solace in having an affair or even seeking a divorce so you could be happy. It could make them believe you never loved them in the first instance and probably decided to stay with them for several other reasons.
5. It’s Your Fault
We are always quick to trade blames when things go awry but do we sit to think about all the effort our spouse put into contributing to a decision process? How about if they kept silent without saying a word?
Most times things don’t always fall in place and we should take responsibility and move past who did right or wrong. I know some losses can be painful but remember you are a team and wins and losses are a part of the mix life hands to us.
Some faults could be attributed to your spouse but we all make mistakes too. Get back to the drawing board and be determined to right the wrongs. Remember, you signed up for better for worse, therefore unpleasant moments will come.
Praise your man more than you criticise them. Refrain from the use of some hurtful things you should never say to your spouse. I am not asking you to take all the blames, neither am I saying you should put all the blames on your spouse but instead concentrate your energy on spotting what went wrong and how to fix it.
6. I Don’t Like Your Family
We all love our family regardless of our differences and no one will appreciate it when ill is spoken about any member of our family.
We may not always agree with our spouse’s siblings or even parents and can point out whatever we don’t appreciate but we should stay away from name-calling or outrightly telling your spouse you don’t like his or her family. That is like dealing a blow below the belt. Remember they have shared the earlier part of their lives together and they share a bond.
So you wonder at times how our mates complain about their family members and yet when they come around they show them so much care? That’s to show you how the bond of family is.
Accommodate their weaknesses and when you have to speak out, be civil about it and not make your spouse have sleepless nights because of some hurtful things you should never say to your spouse which you have said.
7. Don’t Start This Please
Your phrase may not sound exactly like this, it may be, “not again” or “let’s not go there”. This is one of the things you should never say to your spouse.
This I notice is one very common phrase use to escape conflict resolution or sometimes during a misunderstanding, you just don’t want to listen to what your spouse has to say probably because you think you know exactly what they want to say or you have been in that particular scenario and you assume they are going to depart the same words to you.
Can you look at this critically together? No matter how right you may want to feel at this point, you are so wrong because in relationships, communication is key and we should always allow our mates to express themselves freely.
Sometimes we are used to always winning arguments and having the final say in discussions but have you thought of the impact it could have; not just on your mate but your relationship also as you could be shutting yourself out of your mate’s world. Wouldn’t it be great to have all matters resolved amicably so lobe can find its place?
8. You Are Not Like My Ex
This is one of the things a husband should never say to his wife and vice versa. How on earth can you be comparing the love of your life to an old flame? Your spouse may have flaws but there are several qualities they possess and you also saw in them that probably made you walk down the aisle with them.
Please never compare your mate to an Ex, it could demoralize them. It portrays a whole lot of meanings than the phrase itself, it could also mean your Ex is better or that you do not love your spouse as much as you love your Ex and this could be hurting for anyone to hear from a loved one.
Our spouses thrive on our view of them and how we perceive them and when we make them feel less, they could seek attention elsewhere. Comparing your spouse to an Ex is one of the things you should never say to your spouse.
9. If You Loved Me, You Would Understand
This sounds like being manipulative and is one of the things we should never say to our spouse. This phrase is sometimes used when a mate wants the other to do something they may not be able to do at that time but tries to put pressure on them by using manipulating words to get them to do their bidding.
Other times it could be said during discussions especially when we want certain things to go our way and it’s not forthcoming we use those phrases to get what we want. It’s best when we relate as friends because that way you can express yourself and state exactly what you want instead of being manipulative about it.
When you need help, please go ahead and ask for one, don’t be emotional and try to blackmail them into doing what you want.
10. How Could You?
This is where a lot of couples miss it. Imagine your spouse returning to share their faults, making a confession or probably speaking about how bad their day went and also telling you the role they played that culminated in their day being bad and you respond with how could you?
I mean, that’s your ride or die unburdening to you and you are shutting them down for being sincere and coming out clean with their faults and errors. Could you have preferred them lying to you or not speaking up at all? Little wonder infidelity is becoming the order of the day.
Final Words On Hurtful Things You Should Never Say To Your Spouse
Words could be weapons and also a building tool and every way we choose to use them will always leave a lasting impression on whoever we use them on. There are many things you should never say to your spouse regardless of the circumstances. We should respect one another and watch the words we use when relating to our mates.
Using the right words of gratitude, encouragement and appreciation will strengthen the bonds of love but using opposite words will tear down the walls you have built over time and if care isn’t taken put you two apart.
You have read a couple of examples, can you share scenarios of words you said to your spouse and how they reacted to them? It could be good or bad, I’d be reading in the comment section.